you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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