ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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