Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
