just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
