I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
