Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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