the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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