She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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