You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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