what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
