There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
