I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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