I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
