i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
