Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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