if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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