Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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