I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
