please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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