Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
