laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
