the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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