I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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