I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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