Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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