we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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