It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Welp...herpes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
