The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
