Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
