Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
