this beer tastes like vomit already
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
