I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
