Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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