She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
