I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
