things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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