I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
