Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
