I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
