your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How's work?
Spinning.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
