I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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