i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
