I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
