the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
