Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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