if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
