I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
