nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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