So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
