butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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