i just sent this text using only my big toe
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
