Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
