im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize