Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
