I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
