hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
